Hope

Two weeks ago, I decided my word for this year would be hope. I had been struggling with my recent diagnosis of breast cancer, a 2nd go-around after having a first breast cancer back in 2009. This time we started with chemotherapy and antibody therapy before surgery, and I am about halfway through. Over time, the gut symptoms have settled down a little, though have remained, and worsening dry eyes added to the mix. It has been hard to focus for long periods of time, causing me to put aside reading in the evenings. I have relief closing my eyes, and I have tried other remedies like drops, eye washes, warm soaks, reading glasses, etc. 

It took me awhile to call for help, but last week when I started calling for ophthalmology appointments, I had gotten pretty desperate. It was painful to read the electronic medical record and everything was getting slowed down. I found myself struggling to hope, praying for strength, asking for help. Finally after calling three offices and asking a favor of a colleague, I secured an appointment for this Friday along with some advice for now. I am hoping to get better, pretty sure taxol is the problem.

In my Christmas letter (which I finally wrote on January 4th), I asked several quetions about hope. What are you hoping for? Who or what are you hoping in? What are ways that you restore hope?

For me, the answers to all these questions are fundamentally summed up in one word: Jesus. I am hoping for more of Jesus in my life, the same one who healed the leper and can heal my cancer is also the maker of the universe and the good shepherd who is leading me down the right path even though it has felt like the valley of the shadow of death lately. I had been struggling with despondence, wondering when the other shoe would drop "as it so often has." I was fearing that the treatment would somehow fall short and that I would have cancer hanging over my head the rest of my anxious life. It seemed like the devil was feeding and watering this negativity. 

This was until I started remembering Jesus. While there is no guarantee that my cancer will be cured, there are so many reasons Jesus is my hope. I also hope for more of Jesus in my life, knowing that no suffering He has allowed has ever been wasted. I am looking for the ways this season will grow me. I definitely have more compassion on people suffering from ulcerative colitis flare-ups and from chronic vision problems. I also realize some people live their whole lives feeling tired. I am just tired for now. 

"Hope springs eternal" read a sketch of the Chicago Cubs that a friend of my dad's had given him. I never really understood what that truly meant except that my dad and the rest of us were always hoping the Cubs would finally win the World Series, At the time, it had been nearly 100 years. Only years after my father died would this famed team finally pull it off. 

According to the Oxford disctionary, the meaning of this proverb is that "it is human nature to always find a fresh cause for optimism." I am not so sure this is true. It is often true that what we are hoping for is something we do not yet have. Bryan Stevenson, attorney and founder of the Equal Justice Initiative, has cited the importance of hope in the work for justice. Hope was a key underpinning of the Civil Rights Movement under the leadership of Martin Luther King, Jr. This true hope behind this movement was Christian hope and not just the Christian hope that "the arc of the moral universe is long and bends toward justice."

What should one put one's hope in? People, family, a favorite sports team,science, money, systerms, processes, politics? These things will all falter if not now, in the future. My hope is in Jesus, the only one who can sort out all the messes humanity has made, including mine.

How have I restored hope or how am I actively working to restore hope? Well, I am grateful for the advances in science which have changed the prognosis of my cancer to much more favorable than 10 or 20 years ago. Hoping that all the side effects of this treatment signify that the cancer cells are dying. I have imagined cancer being repeatedly flushed right out of my system! All healing comes from God. Thus I have been praying with countless others for the cure of this cancer. I also find hope in Scripture, like the book of Hebrews which we are studying now. Taking a walk, sitting in the sunshine, spending time with my cats and dog, listening to music or a book, taking a nap, talking with a friend, singing with the praise team, going to church. These are some of the means of grace by which God has been at work restoring my hope.